Abandonment & Rejection

Last night I was helpfully telling my boyfriend about all my amazing symptoms of mental illness (aka reasons he should run away), when I realised something. I was going down the usual list of BPD criteria, and as usual pretty much ignored the part about abandonment issues. I don’t really consider that I have them much more than the average person (or possibly I just have a complete lack of insight), but if you change ‘abandonment’ to ‘rejection’ then damn. 

I generally consider that I have social anxiety because I think everyone hates me and I’m terrified of fucking up any social encounter. But what is the real fear? Not just looking a bit daft, I do that all the time – sometimes even on purpose. It has to be something worse than that. I fear ridicule and definitely I fear somehow hurting or angering others. I fear confrontation. But ultimately, the root of all these fears is rejection. I assume that most people want me to go away, and eventually, they will get the courage to tell me to fuck off.

When I hear the word ‘abandonment’, I think of people leaving. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced much of this in my life. But perhaps rejection is a very similar feeling. It isn’t as abrupt or sometimes even as obvious as abandonment, it comes in many degrees. But at its core is still the message: ‘I do not want you around.’ And that message can so easily be skewed by low self esteem and internalised as ‘You are not good enough to be around’.

Having always been really shy, I assumed that I just had social anxiety as part of my generally anxious personality. But maybe it is actually linked to borderline personality disorder as well. I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to deal with. But hey, knowledge is power, right? And the therapy I’m doing now will hopefully give me some ways to deal with this.

Intellectually, I know that I’m not a completely terrible person. I have an amazing partner, family and friends who aren’t just secretly wishing I’d go away. But in some deep part of my brain which is not amenable to reason, there is a whole tangle of visceral fear and ever-spinning anxiety, just waiting for the axe to drop.

 

 

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Abandonment & Rejection

Social Networking

Find me on Instagram as Scabette or on Twitter also as @Scabette or talk to me in the comments. I don’t understand self-promotion on social media. I don’t understand self-promotion in general. It’s like everyone is running around with ‘personal brands’ and personas, joined up social media platforms, a life they project carefully and beautifully online and on stage. I feel like there is some networking thing I missed out on. Am I just not spending enough time on the internet, ‘liking’ peoples’ stuff so they will ‘like’ me back? Why would I do that? Is this whole thing really so vacuous?

I’ve found really amazing blogs and Twitter accounts and Instagrams. But it’s hard to find them, through all the other rubbish. I have no idea how to feel part of it. I feel alienated from the internet just as much as I do from regular life. Online social interaction is almost as stressful for me as real time. This blog is just me sitting in the corner, muttering to myself.

Edit: Since I wrote this post, I figured out some tech skills and added a link to my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to the header of this blog. I have no idea if this was a terrible mistake or not…

Social Networking