I did the abseil.
It wasn’t frightening.
Sponsor me here, if you so feel. It’s for Derbyshire Refugee Solidarity.
I was kind of hungover for abseiling, because the night before was a truly uniquely beautiful night at City-Zen One Mic. So many talented people, and I got up and did a couple of new spoken word bits. People come together to create and talk bollocks and drink and dance and it’s magic. And raised £100 for Rojava Solidarity.
Spent the rest of the weekend with family, which was really nice. We all live kind of far apart, so it’s great when we do get together. Stayed up way too late putting the world to rights (and I managed not to get into any terrible political arguments even though my family are not yet woke to the true necessity of anarchism).
These things have been good beyond measure. In between times, things have been bad beyond measure. I don’t know if I’m actually losing it. Fuck abseiling, this is the real extreme sport. The mood graph prickles like a porcupine and shoots a facefull of quills into my idiot life. Trying to hold while everything spins. I’m too dizzy to run anywhere. My hands hurt.
My fucking heart hurts.
Tomorrow I turn 27. A dangerous age. But what have I achieved in this past year of my life? I had plenty of goals last birthday, and of course I had plenty of ideas at New Year. So, how did I do?
- I still need to bike more. Still need to learn how to ride on the road without being a traffic hazard.
- GOAL ACHIEVED: Tenby Half Marathon!
- However, my physio now says, no more running until my wonky knee is fixed 😦
- I was doing a Youtube yoga course, and it was good. But, I drifted away after a couple of months. I should get back on this.
- I still eat a lot of cheese. But also I cook some delicious healthy vegetable and fish based meals. Goal still in progress, I guess.
- Goal achieved-ish: Quit smoking, again. I vape a bit. And am still known to steal cigs when drunk. But generally, I don’t smoke any tobacco.
- GOAL WAS RIDICULOUS, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN MATE: Drink once or twice a week, at most.
- My poetry pamphlet, Thou Shalt Not Suffer, is about to be published
- I didn’t manage to do much else though. Polish and submit poems and short stories I already have? NOPE
- Write more stuff. Kinda?
- Keep blogging. Patchy. Very patchy.
- Get some work experience/do some journalism/something something professional writer. Something something not gonna happen, something something too vague.
- I did not do NaPoWriMo in April, because I only realised it was April a week into the month.
- Still a goal: Daily freewriting
- Journalling I do, sometimes. Something else to step up with.
- I started helping out with Derbyshire Refugee Solidarity. Sorting donations in the warehouse, lifting heavy things, and raising sponsorship with running.
- Do the therapy and homework (without constant sarcasm). As if I thought I could live without sarcasm? What a fool I can be.
- I do manage to go to therapy and do my homework (usually). It’s pretty good. I like group.
- Everything constantly needs tidying. This does not qualify as a life goal.
- I still want to do some art.
- And learn to knit. My bro gave me this. Reckon I can do it?
- NEW GOAL: Learn to drive. Watch out!
- Other new goal: Learn violin. I got my old violin back. I’m sure the neighbours will be overjoyed
- Other other goal: Get better at poi.
- Adventures will always be a goal
OK, I’ve been semi-successful in some areas. I haven’t achieved absolutely nothing. I was deeply unimpressed with the whole birthday thing, because it underlines how my life is passing by while I waste time. But maybe I’ve done a few things, positive things which are better than nothing.
I’m pretty happy. Things seem to be going well. There has been change and sadness, the end of a long partnership. There was no drama, just a point of sorrow from which we could not salvage each other. Things had been sad for a long time. I hope people don’t think me heartless. It hurts. A part of me is gone. An era of my life, 5 whole years, is over. This is the first really amicable break up I’ve ever had. It’s a lot more painful without the balm of righteous anger.
Endings lead to beginnings and I’ve made a new start: I fell in love and he’s amazing. I never planned this. I planned the opposite, a year of being single and working on my mental health. I guess the universe likes to surprise us. We’ve been having some amazing adventures. I think he’s good for me. I hope we’re good for each other.
I’m happy and it’s like standing on a clifftop while the wind gusts through your hair. It’s exhilarating and amazing. It makes your heart beat faster. It’s a fucking long way down. Don’t jynx it.