Morbid Crafts and a Dental Update. Toothy grins all round!

A couple of months ago, (among other things), I promised to visit the dentist.

I did that. As predicted, it was Not Fun. I’ve had two fillings since.Two of my teeth are now 50% metal. It was that bad. The dentists looked very sad about the state of my teeth, even bringing their colleagues in to observe and wonder at how my teeth got so fucked up. I’m only 26. I didn’t do that much crack, but I have spent a large proportion of my diet on sweets (pure candy, no chocolate or fat to get in the way of the sugar), cheap cider and wine. These together must be able to liquefy enamel in seconds. That, and crashing out wasted without cleaning my teeth, staying out on sessions long enough to bypass the recommended twice daily brushing, have done for my dental work. The long-since cured bulimia probably went a long way towards the acid erosion, and also left me with a nice case of GERD which has flooded my teeth with even more acid. I have spent a lot of time puking. Now I’m paying the price, with my translucent, carious, crumbling teeth.

What really spurred me on to get my teeth sorted was that a chunk fell off my premolar. I was just eating a blue raspberry BonBon (see, told you I have a tooth-friendly diet), there was a strange crunching sensation, and I was spitting out a chunk of enamel. I had to live with a jagged hole in my tooth for a few days, waiting for a dentist appointment to become available. It was unpleasant. The jagged edges cut my tongue, and having a foul pit of decay in the centre of your tooth actually tastes pretty bad.

This is how my lovely NHS dentists fixed up my tooth.

A tooth constructed mostly of amalgam filling
Cyborg tooth

So, now I had a piece of my tooth just lying around. I also had a pack of plain silver earring posts. (Link there to get some for hella cheap on ebay, just in case this post inspires you to do some weird gross craft. Or even some nice craft. Don’t let me bring you down.)

All you need to make any kind of earrings is silver plated posts and Loctite. Loctite is the best glue, it will not let you down.


And so, the denoument. The tooth earring. It has power. It has decay. It has a subtle aesthetic, probably wouldn’t draw attention unless you ran around screaming that you were wearing your own decaying bodily matter as jewellery.


I feel there is plenty power to be had in keeping your own body bits close. 1. It prevents evil voodooists using them against you, and 2. It’s keeping it all close to home. What could be more emotionally and psychically meaningful than a tooth that took me what, five years to grow? That’s some attachment. There’s energy stored up in there.

And believe me, there is also a great deal of rage directed at my pathetic failure of a tooth. It’s not even just that tooth. It’s been 2 years since I got the all-clear from a previous dentist, and in that time my teeth have basically dissolved. They’re all weak and pathetic. I have yet another dental appoinment this week, for yet another filling. 3 fillings in 3 weeks. I’m just glad I don’t generally find them painful. The root canal was a walk in the park. But it is all getting rather repetetive.

If things don’t improve, I’m going this direction: VAMPIRE GRILLZIf Marilyn Manson can do it, why can't I? Gotta hide my busted teeth somehow.

If Marilyn Manson can do it, why can’t I? Gotta hide my busted teeth somehow.

Morbid Crafts and a Dental Update. Toothy grins all round!

Shitty Craft In Action: The ULTIMATE Junkie Jewellery

Minimalism is for dead people.
Minimalism is for dead people.

Just to prove that I practice what I preach, this necklace will be forming part of my performance attire. Its history and construction have imbued it with certain powers, and I want them on me.

The rune. I’m not big on runes. I dig tarot, but runes are not my area of expertise. (At one point I will write a post explaining how I can read tarot but also believe in science. I’m not a fuckin hippie. And fuck the ‘New Age’.) Anyway, the rune is Perth or Perthro. The dice cup, source of fate, fated to be on my necklace because it’s the only rune I had with a hole handily bored through it. (Sometimes) free choice is an illusion.

So hey, don’t you think my magic necklace is fun? It’s got all kinds of secret powers and personal meanings, but you’ll never know what they are. The rules of successful magical work are: To know, to will, to dare, to keep silent.

Arguably writing a fucking blog boasting about it isn’t keeping particularly silent, but this is more an aesthetic boast. My plastic fantastic irony tat-maximalist look deserves attention.

And yes, that is one of Barbie’s stilettos on there. It’s orange. Matches my lipstick.

Shitty Craft In Action: The ULTIMATE Junkie Jewellery

Shitty Craft #4: Junkie Jewellery


Cyberpunk or something. It’s called Junkie jewellery because 1. It’s made of junk, woo recycling! And 2. It has zero resale value, so even if you have long since flogged all your precious metals to Cash Converters (shoulda used a real jeweller mate…) you can rock this fabulous look. It’s called upcycling, and hipsters spend a lot of money on it.


This one was once part of a bracelet, a curtain ring, and a handle from a fancy shopping bag.
Both of these are my new favourite works in progress, endlessly re-arrangable and basically free. Better than free: in using up my horded tat I’m actually increasing my quality of life and real estate value of my dwelling.

So what do you think, do I have a future career in “upcycled” design? This is the easiest Shitty Craft yet, just find a string or other long narrow object, adorn it, and fasten it round your neck (preferably avoiding strangulation hazards) and you’re good to go! Follow my blog for more shitty crafts, (might branch out into bracelets! Even earrings! They look hard.) And there might be some cookery, cycling, politics and ADVENTURES coming up as well.

Shitty Craft #4: Junkie Jewellery